Even the nights awake

So here I am up late again sitting in he dark with just the glow of my laptop, listening to the crickets chirp the night away. Lately I can not sleep well. I seem to toss and turn all night. My back is killing me and I feel anxious, nervous, scared. I'm wondering what is causing this and I am thinking that I really should see a doctor about this. I do not have a job therefore I do not have medical insurance so I hesitate. I'm thinking that my recent unemployment status is what is plaguing me.

Although I have earned two degrees and traveled the world I feel as though I have failed in life and perhaps that is what is keeping me up nights. I am 36 years old and have not even gotten my professional career started. I feel like I am running out of time. I feel desperate, scared, anxious. I want to purchase a home, have a child, help my husband start his business, travel, put away money and none of this can happen until I get a job. I have had the most horrible luck this year. I have been applying and applying for jobs, going to interview after interview and still nothing. I do this over and over until I get burnt out and then I retreat within myself until I have the courage to start again. I do not know how much more rejection is ahead of me nor do I know how much more I can take but I do know that it is real and it is hard and I am lost.

My anxiety seems to be getting worse and worse and it seems to hit me at night when I am ready to go to bed. Around two or three I finally fall asleep but then I end up sleeping the following day away. I am totally aware that this is unhealthy but I am paralyzed in this cycle. I am waiting for that breeze of luck, for that moment that the Universe finally begins to subtlety turn in my favor and I am hypnotized by it's lure.

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